Harder Than You Know

You said this could only get better.
There's no rush, 'cause we have each other.
You said this would last forever,
But now I doubt if I was your only lover.

His eyes became vacant over time, and slowly, but surely, the words that came from my lips fell on deaf ears. Why would he care what I want? I'm just his new shiny toy, used to amuse him. I wasn't a person. I was a thing. The thing that kept him busy for 167 long days, full of text messages, endless hours before the TV on his couch. Then he left me.

Are we just lost in time?
I wonder if your love's the same.
'Cause I'm not over you

He must not have been truly in love with me, because he fell out of love before he was even done breaking up with me. You could see it in his eyes; you could hear it in his voice. Sure, he hugged me and wiped away my tears as I cried, but I could feel the emotions of love and adoration were gone…unfortunately for me, I was far behind.

Baby, don't talk to me.
I'm trying to let go
Not loving you is harder then you know.
'Cause  you're driving me so crazy

So over the next few weeks, we spent our times trying to get back to comfortable friendships with friends and adapted to spending the usual hours of texting and talking on the phone to things like school and work. While he focused on frying burgers at the local fast food chain, I sat at home on deviantART, making new friends and finding my place without him next to me. But deep inside, I felt the hollow emptiness of him being gone.

How can i miss you if you never would stay?
If you need time i guess I'll go away.
Inside me now there's only heartache and pain.
So where's the fire?
You've become the rain.

Eventually I actually turned off my cellphone for several weeks, I spent more time walking around town, getting lost and feeling so helplessly lost, that I could barely pull myself out of bed and go to the school and see his face in the halls, hear his voice in the classrooms, feel that usual brisk and sharp wave of emotions that he possesses, and god forbid if we actually touched physically. If our hands would collide, our shoulders would brush, or he would bump into me, I would feel like I fell into a pool of ice water.

Are we just lost in time?
I wonder if your love's the same
'cause I'm not over you.

Finally I took a few mental health days, laying at home and going "poor me, my heart's broken, poor me" I got a few friend's concerned text messages, but nothing very exciting.

Baby, don't talk to me
I'm trying to let go
Not loving you is harder then you know,

Until the last night of my heart's mental health day, when my "sister" sent me the message that would start my emotional war all over again and bring me through the ring again. "He wants to talk to you."

And if you don't want me then
i guess I'll have to go..
Not loving you is harder then you know.

Well first that conversation started off as a screaming match, seeing who was more butt hurt, who was more emotionally wrecked…I guess it was a winning battle for me. After all, he's a monster who ate my heart to replace his. In the end, we were both tired, him from his lack of sleep of seeing me teary eyed and broken hearted every time he closed his eyes. Me, from being such a bad coper.

So I'll make the call,
and I'll leave today
I'm gonna miss you 'cause i love you baby
Yeah, I'll make the call
I'm leaving today
Leaving always drives me crazy

Then he offers me something I still can't decide if I believe. He offers me a few more months of him loving me, without the attachments of the relationships. Or should I say "stress". Either way, the ache in my heart told me no. But I mistook it for yes.

Baby, don't talk to me
I'm trying to let go.
Not loving you is harder
Then you know,

So we had our schedule, at school, passing in the hallway wasn't so difficult. Feeling his emotions wasn't as difficult as it was.  But it was still pretty difficult, because something felt off. Unfortunately I was too dumb to look into it.

Baby, don't talk to me
I'm trying to let go
Not loving you is harder
Then you know,

Of course, what goes up has to fall. And let me say, falling twice for the same guy? Not fun. Not in the slightest.  I don't know whose turn it was to leave, but I was more comfortable leaving this time, maybe it was really time to let go.

And if you don't want me then
i guess I'll hav'ta go!
not loving you is harder then you know
Baby, don't talk to me
I'm trying to let go.
Not loving you is harder, then you know,
your driving me so crazy.

So, here I am, lifted up by love from my friends, living for something other than the guy who makes me think of this song. My hands aren't wiping away my tears anymore, they're making the keystrokes, and scribbling pictures and poems on anything I can get my palms on. Sure, I look the same as I did when I was with him. But. The girl who I used to be, and the girl I am now? Polar opposites. I reign over the broken, battlefield of he war of love, this time. This time? I win.